Shelden Dunn Whittaker April 29, 1966 - October 13, 2004

  I understand and know that our loved ones who also loved Shell will be reading this and may relive their own pain all over again.  However, I hope that you understand that I need to do this.  I need to write and share some of my pain.  I rarely talk about what happened now because it is even more painful than it was 7 years ago.  I think it is because the longer it is, the more sacred my memories and pain are.  The process of writing this blog will be extremely hard for me today but it is necessary and overdue.  I don't expect a lot of you to ever understand the predicament I am in right now but all I need right now is to tell my story.  So I, truly from the bottom of my heart, apologize in advance. 

 Seven years today, I find myself grieving for our loss of a wonderful man, a dedicated teacher, a loving father, and a very soulful and wholesome fiance.  It is not just a one-time thing per year because I am constantly missing and remembering Shell.  Neva Shell Whittaker is also a loving reminder of Shell and I am thankful and blessed every day that she is here with us today. 

I keep going back to the fateful morning where I witnessed something that not many people experience in their lifetimes.  Odd as it is, I am glad that I was there that morning with him.  The image, the emotions I experienced that morning upon realizing that he was gone is as vivid now as it was seven years ago.  It is amazing at how a day like that really stays with you for the rest of your life.   

Typically funny Shell

 The night before right before we went to bed, Shell asked me this, "Do you love me...like really love me?"  I looked deeply into his eyes, smiled and said, "Of course, silly!  I love you with my whole heart and being" and hugged him for a long time in our kitchen. Afterward, I went to Walmart to get something for his heartburn.  I was just clueless.  He wasn't feeling well that night and we decided to go to bed.  I was exhausted from working two jobs and being 3 months pregnant.   I laid my head on his arm and went to sleep not knowing that I was never going to talk, laugh, cry with him ever again. There are many days including today when I feel like it is my fault he is not here.  Could I have and should I have done something differently?

Those regrets - those nagging regrets never have left me.  Those regrets are what keeps me at nights thinking about "what if's".  What if I was stubborn that night and fought with Shell to allow me to take him to the hospital?  What if I was more awake and not tired, would I have noticed the symptoms he was having?  What if I came home earlier and was able to convince him to go to the hospital?  What if I was more pressing with the doctor we saw two weeks earlier at the emergency room about his blood pressure?  What if? What if? What if?  Seven years later, I'm still asking those questions.  I know those questions will always be with me for the rest of my life and no one can convince me otherwise to stop asking.

That morning...I couldn't process what I was seeing.  It was 10 minutes after 7am and I had set the alarm to wake Shell up for work.   I woke up and realized Shell wasn't in bed and often he would go sleep on the couch in the living room because of the pain in his neck from an old injury.  When I walked towards him, I saw that something was off.  When I was with him, I paced across the room and my brain was jumbled.  I never experienced this confusion/shock before.  Can it be?!  NO!  I went back to him and tried waking him up and sat with him.  I have no idea how long before it finally registered in my mind to look for help.  We didn't have a phone, VP, and my Sidekick couldn't make 911 calls back then.  I still have no idea why but I paged my sister who was living in Washington, DC at the time and uttered the words I never thought I would say.  Then I realized she couldn't help me so I ran to the next door and banged at the door.  A male in the late 40s came out looking like "What the hell!?" and I barely could speak but said "Please call 911.  I think he's gone". 

I felt helpless, lost, confused but not pain because I hadn't processed that Shell was really gone. It felt like hours I waited for help to arrive.  I paced across the room and sat then paced and sat.  The police came in first and then the paramedics.  The moment the paramedics' people came and this lady, the very moment she set her foot in our house and saw Shell, she looked at me and said..." he's gone".  I crumbled and fell to the floor and started crying.  I did NOT want the confirmation.  I begged the lady to bring him back and the sadness in her eyes told me otherwise.  The police moved me into the kitchen and had me seated where I still could see Shell and I was grappling in my mind - it is so hard to describe how shocked I was and how feeble-minded I felt.  I continued to cry and the police realized that they needed to move me so I wouldn't see where people were examining Shell.  Then the same paramedic lady came into the kitchen and noticed our ultrasound picture of Neva was posted up on the refrigerator.  Her eyes became bewildered and asked me if I was pregnant and I nodded and started to feel dizzy.  The police asked me if I could have someone come and take me to the police station to make a statement and when I told them that I needed to page Meddra, they refused to let me use my pager.  I was in no shape to reason with them but then the paramedic lady, to this day, I have no idea of her name but bless her, she figured that it was the only way for me to communicate and eventually allowed me to page Meddra.  Then they took the phone so I couldn't make any more contact with anyone else. 

Shell's classroom

At the police station, it was a very difficult time.  As my mind was reeling back and started to process, I was also struggling to reach out to our families.  I had no contact information for Shell's family and felt so helpless but then called my dad at work.  At the time, he was working at Post Office and I knew he was almost getting off from work.  So I got ahold of him and asked my parents to come from Wisconsin to Fulton, MO. to help me and they eventually came.  My sister flew in and arrived later that night.  So sitting in that room all by myself waiting for cops to come and take my statement, I just cried nonstop and it finally dawned on me...the baby inside of me.  What will happen?  It was a long time I was in that room,  at least I felt.  When they finally came in with the interpreter, I could see that the interpreter was crying before coming and I just broke down again.  Then the cops started asking me questions and I was confused.  Why were they asking me those questions?  Why was I not just giving my statement?  Yes, some of the questions were personal and private but after questioning, I was released and was told to go see my OB/GYN doctor. When I came out of the room, I saw Barbara Garrison, the superintendent of Missouri School for the Deaf standing there and offered her sympathies and hug.  I later learned she was the one who alerted Shell's family in Illinois.  My doctor was on stand by awaiting my arrival.  I was puzzled and wondered why but looking back now, I was glad I went.  Few words were exchanged at the visit.  She offered me some anxiety pills and of course, I asked if it was ok because of the baby.  She said that if I take it, the stress on the baby will be less so yes it was safe.  That definitely helped me through the funeral. 

Finally...I realized I couldn't go back home.  I couldn't go back to that house.  Meddra offered me to stay with her and I gladly accepted.  I went in her home, sat on the couch, and cried myself to sleep.  Hours later, Marla loaned me her truck so I could drive to St. Louis to pick up my sister at the airport.  I don't remember the drive to the airport.  I only remembered meeting my sister and crying in her arms.  We then returned back to Fulton in time to meet my parents and have all of us stay with Marla and Lori. 

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At MSD for Shell's Memorial

I was a zombie for a very long time.  When I say a long time, I mean like for six months.  I couldn't remember much about the funeral and wished that it wasn't so fuzzy.  It was also when I first met many of Shell's family members and for my parents to "meet" Shell, the father of our unborn child.  It was an awful way for my parents but it was the reality of the situation.  I sat in the living room after the funeral thinking that this was Shell's family yet I felt so detached.  It was like my body was there but my soul was gone.  As nice and loving Shell's family were, I knew they were grieving and wished I could offer more but I didn't.  I didn't know-how.   When all was said and done, it was time for me to go back to Fulton without my family.  It was a very lonely drive back from Perry and I kept thinking...now what?  What am I going to do?   I stayed with Marla and Lori for about three weeks until they offered me to live with them permanently with my two cats.  The house Shell and I shared was left untouched for about three weeks.  I couldn't bear going in there but knew I had to pack up his things.  That process alone was so difficult.    Margie flew from Washington DC to help me pack up the house.  I was so glad she was with me through the process.  I was happy when I finally could close up the house yet sad to leave my life with Shell behind.  It took a while before I stopped driving by the house just to...be close to Shell, I guess. 

MSD and KSD hosted a memorial in honor of Shell and it was nice.  Students came up on the stage and talked about their memories of Shell.  It was really heartwarming to hear about how loved he was.   Later on, a tree was planted in honor of him. 

Link to Shell's funeral information in 2004. http://www.airsman-hires.com/obituaries/viewobit.php?oid=964

For those who read the Twilight Saga, in the second book where there were no other words on the pages but "October...November...December...January".  This was the same for me - life was uneventful after Shell's passing.  Nothing appealed to me.  Nothing seemed to lift my sadness away.  I was working 2nd shift at the time at MSD so I averaged sleeping for 12 hours daily.  On the weekends, I slept longer.  Of course, I was grieving and it was the darkest times in my life where I felt this void constantly.  I wished my life away sometimes but Neva inside me kept me swimming barely on the surface.  Family and friends' supports were overflowing yet I felt I was alone in this cold cruel world.  My relationship with God was nonexistent at the time.  I was pregnant and I have only one picture of me and I didn't look like a normal happy pregnant woman.  Whenever I look at the picture now, I feel pings of pain.  I remember the feeling as if it was yesterday.  When I talk about my pregnancy with other people, I don't share the common feelings and experiences like most.  Although I was happy, blessed and thankful that I had something of Shell living inside me, I was stricken with sadness and fear.  I remembered asking myself, "how could I be a mother if I'm like this?"  It was a very scary and trying time. 

Somehow and somewhere along the way when I was not sleeping, I reached out for help.  I tried counseling once but never returned after they said they wouldn't be able to afford an interpreter and that sessions had to be conducted through paper and pen.  So I went to get food stamps and services and applied for services with the Department of Vocational Rehabilitation.  At the time, I had no idea what I wanted from DVR but only that I wanted to see through to my promise I made to Shell about finishing college education.  They put me on waiting list so I forgot about it. 

Neva Shell's first day at home

Joy finally came back into my life when Neva came on April 21, 2005, six months after Shell's passing.  The experience of childbirth is no different from anyone else.  However, the emotions I felt after Neva left my body was different for me.  I was aware of the possibility of having post-partum but I was literally depressed already.  I was surprised at how depression had lifted slowly and I never experienced post-partum which was a relief.  However, the day we brought Neva home, my parents were with us and they stayed three days after the birth to help me out.  I was so scared to have her sleep with me in the same room fearing that she'd leave me the way Shell did.  I did not want to be fully responsible for her yet.  It was unexpected but the fear was real.  I let my parents keep her in their room at night.  But those nights was the most lonely and I remembered crying all night long.  It was simply because I didn't feel Shell inside me.  I had unconsciously convinced myself thinking that Shell was still with me because of the baby inside me.  However, Neva was no longer living inside me and I experienced loss all over again.  It was just a strange time.  After parents left, Marla and Lori helped out a lot and I quit my job at MSD to stay home with Neva. 

Come June I received word from DVR that they were able to support my college education financially and they preferred to send me to Gallaudet instead of a college locally.  I was surprised and did not see that coming.  So that changed the course of my life as well as Neva's.  We left Missouri in June to stay with my parents for a month then left for Washington DC in July to begin our new chapter.  Leaving my life behind in Missouri was hard because I was leaving Shell in a sense.  But when I was in DC, I realized that Shell was and will always be with us. 

Seven years later with two college degrees behind me and an energetic 6 years old girl, I look back and am amazed at how things worked out the way it did and that in fact, I was able to live again.  Of course, I'm never the same.  I'm a changed woman after losing Shell and a huge part of me died with him that day.  I'm a changed woman after being a mother to our child.  Changes are inevitable and death is part of life.  It is the loss - sudden loss that caused me to fall hard.  I remember a friend who made a comment when I was pregnant with Neva that I should never ever live through her but to live a life of my own and to let her live hers.  To this day, I appreciate that comment because this helped force me to do things for myself and to always push myself harder. 

So yes, writing this really is doing something for me today after shedding thousands of tears.  Seven years today, Shell, you are always loved and remembered.  I leave you with this quote that Shell's family have for him:

"Our hearts still ache in sadness,

and secret tears still flow,

what it meant to lose you,

no one will ever know."





Shell's oldest daughter, Laura



Life-long friend Charles Hammack





Shell's siblings

Lake Ozarks



Shell loved coaching - at KSD





Honoring the Departed...

This post is a bit dated considering last Sunday marked the 10th anniversary of 9/11 and the moment we were changed forever.  The most common questions asked regarding this event were: "Did you remember where you were and what you were doing when you heard the news?"  I certainly did just like how I remembered where I was and what I was doing when I heard about the death of Princess Di and when in 1986, the Challenger blew into pieces in the sky.  For those who were around my parents' ages and older, the assassination of JFK and Martin Luther King. Those events do not compare to this terrorist act that left 3,000 Americans dead but those questions that most of us can answer after many years are interesting.

When I heard the news, those moments passed were masked in silence as my mind was desperately trying to get off the spinning wheel of confusion.  What?  Where?  When?  How?  And most importantly, why?  

Ten years forward, last Sunday morning as Neva was building a fort for Jessie, Rainbow Brite, Adventure Aquarium mermaid, the poodle dog, and last but not least, the Chesire Cat, I was watching the 9/11 special and got caught up in the moment.  Tears started to pour as I remembered that frightful day and the lives that were lost.  Neva tapped at me and asked why I was crying.  Whoo. 

I never really gave much thought about explaining to Neva about 9/11 because I felt that the less she knew, the safer she would feel in this world at her age.  However, when Sunday came with Neva's curiosity piqued, I felt that this was a teachable moment.  I also became inspired after I came across an article about my alma mater planting 2,000 flags across campus.  It felt right and I only needed to be cautious about how to tell this horrible part of history to Neva.  I would rather tell it myself and help with any questions Neva may have because after all, she's my baby girl :). 

Neva listened carefully about the ill-fated day we experienced and I showed her some pictures and answered any questions she had.  The hardest question she had was ... "why?".  How do I explain hatred?  Instead, I explained how people misunderstood each other and became confused with the truth.  (Best I can do for now).  She immediately drew this picture and I was surprised at how detailed she drew of the planes.
The next day when Neva came home, she told me her class had discussed 9/11 and she was able to explain to her class about what happened.  I was grateful I was able to empower Neva the opportunity to tell her a very condensed version of 9/11 to her classmates.  After all, this is a very important part of their history.

Where was I and what was my 9/11 story?  My story is much like most and not as interesting as some.  The weekend before Tuesday (9/11), I was in Manhattan with my friend visiting friends there for the weekend.  We went to Times Square and had a wonderful weekend.  I vaguely remembered discussing visiting landmarks such as the Empire building and WTC but those plans never were constructed.  We hopped on the Greyhound bus that Sunday evening and for those who know NYC, we traveled for a while in the tunnel and I complained to my friend about how I was missing the view of NYC.  Finally, when we emerged from the tunnel, I could only see the skyline but good enough of a view to identifying the WTC and Empire building (with my friend's help) because it was my first visit to NYC.  I admired it so tirelessly and my friend can vouch for this :).   

At the time, I was living in Frederick, MD. and I traveled to Washington, DC every night because I was employed at Gallaudet University.  I worked the graveyard shift so when I came in on Monday night after my weekend in NYC, it was technically Tuesday morning, 9/11.  After my shift ended at 8:30am, I stopped by at a friend's house for java before heading back home.  Little did I know that the plane already hit Tower 2 and a plane was coming for Pentagon.  At around 9am, I left and drove past the Pentagon toward Frederick.  A friend of mine paged me and was sounding weird about some building being bombed and all.  I wasn't exactly understanding because of several factors: I was driving, I was definitely tired and that scenario did not make sense to me at all. 

I hurriedly went to my apartment and turned on the television.  It took me about...maybe five minutes to finally realize that we have been attacked.  Maybe I'm dim-witted but it took me this long to connect the dots because...I never thought, like many, that we would be attacked in such a way.  Then for the next two days, I was glued to CNN and bawled my eyes out every five minutes.  It was until when a psychologist came on CNN and urged people like me who had been watching CNN nonstop to turn off the TV and try to get on with my daily chores and when I did, I finally could live again.  I could not return to Washington, DC because all entrances to the city were blocked.  It was until Thursday night I finally could return. 

But we are healing...our nation is healing slowly but surely and we Americans are not giving in.  Newly built 9/11 memorial was open for viewing to families on 9/11 last Sunday and the skyscrapers are expected to be open in a couple of years.  Remember, we are building this for our children and their children and our responsibilities among hundreds, keep our HOME safe and sound, no matter where we are.

God bless USA! 

Neva and Technology

In 2004 before Shell's passing, I gave technology little thought, if any.  We did not have VP (video phone via Sorensen - http://www.sorensonvrs.com/apply ) in our house nor did we have anything else other than Sidekick and a beaten-up laptop that was slowly dying and I definitely do not miss dial-up internet.  However, after the birth of our baby girl, Neva, technology snuck up by me quickly such as iPod, WI-FI, updated laptop with a built-in web camera, digital camera, Blackberry, V-Tech toys for Neva .   Soon enough, I won't be surprised Neva would be sporting an IPad. 

Today, I am very grateful because if not for technology, the connections we make with our friends and family would not be made possible.  Tonight, Neva was on VP chatting up a storm with her cousin, Cha'Risa who is 8 years old living in Austin, TX.  They have been together since Neva was 3 months old up until she was three when the family decided to move to enroll at Texas School for the Deaf.  It was a very difficult loss for us but with the use of technology, it is amazing!  Let me say that the conversations with her cousins, Cha'Risa and Gunnar always was lively and full of humor.  However, tonight I witnessed something bigger.  Neva and Cha'Risa stayed on much longer than usual (about an hour and half!) and their conversations were much more interesting and concrete!  Could it be that they are getting older and becoming comfortable with expressing themselves through technology - of course, yes!   Now, they developed something big tonight.  An actual relationship.  Questions between Neva and Cha'Risa were exchanged: favorite movies, football teams, food, clothes, shoes, and etc.  They were discussing favorite scenes of Tangled movie (specifically Maximus, the horse), kinds of clothes they liked, and such.   My heart was all over the room tonight when I watched them.  My sister Tracy and I were completely out of the picture although the phone conversation was initially for us :).

Tonight, I was going through pictures since the experience of Neva and Cha'Risa's VP call left me feeling sentimental and I came across a couple that I felt the need to share.  Neva really cherishes all the people in her life and it shows through our conversations at nights and now through her conversation with Cha'Risa.  Neva talks a lot about her cousins and she admires Brett and Hans to no end as I honestly see her mention their names on a weekly basis. Neva knows she has more relatives on Shell's side and she asks about them just as well. 

Little did I know back then about how technology would be one of the major players in our lives and how it tremendously keep us connected with our loved ones.  As a deaf person and a visual communicator,  I am looking forward to the new possibilities it may bring to us and our loved ones even closer.

On Death and Dying...

Children can sometimes spark discussions that will ultimately change one's life and the way one sees the world.  Neva and I had that moment this evening and after this evening, Neva now knows something she had never known before.  Death and dying - no one wants to talk or think about it but it is with us every day and every minute of our lives.  Some are afraid, some do not understand, and some just welcome it.  It depends on how you want your life to be shaped by death and dying.  It is definitely going to be a difficult blog to write tonight but I feel not enough of us to take the time to think of how the loss of a parent makes a big impact on a child's life like it had Neva's.                                              

Losing Neva's father, Shell was the most traumatic experience for Shell's family and me but for Neva, it's a loss she feels that we all will never understand.  We certainly can imagine and try to picture this type "loss" but we will never 100% understand.  This pains me because there is no other way to ease this loss or to fill the void.  Money or people cannot replace Shell's place in her life.   For the past six months or so, Neva began sleeping with 8x10 picture of her father, Shell, like the one posted above (blown up of Shell's face only) and sometimes she would bring the picture around with her in the house or put it up beside her while playing with her dolls and she sometimes include him.  When upset with me and my decisions, Neva sometimes would cry and tell me she misses her dad and that she wishes he was here.  This was a tough pill to swallow, by the way.  Last week, she wanted to bring the photo to school and show others of who her dad was.  Last weekend visiting friends in Washington, DC, she saw a good friend of mine and shyly said he looked like her dad.  As a mom, it pains me to see moments of sadness in her eyes and more often now than ever, she asks me about Shell and generally about whom he was.  Usually, having conversations about him leaves me feeling complicated.  No parent wants to see the pain in their child's eyes.

Neva always had known her dad has passed on and she understands how he did.  However, understanding that people she is with now will also pass as well as herself was something she learned this evening.  The conversation began at our dining table over dinner and when Neva discovered strands of white hair on me, I explained to her that I am getting old.  Her eyes became bewildered and she said, "No, you are not!  I don't want you to die".  I took her comment wholeheartedly knowing this is a tough subject for her.  I explained that everyone is dying and that part of growing up is getting older.  She pondered at the idea for a moment then her eyes flew up and said, "NO! I don't want Roscoe to die.  I don't want grandpa and grandma to die.  I nodded my head and said I feel exactly the same.  "What if Roscoe dies and I have no more cat or grandpa and grandma again" and my heart cringed.  How do I sit there without having my tears well up and my heart yanked out?  I began explaining about the cycle of life and so on forth and the whole time I explained, Neva looked on so intensely and absorbing all she could. In general, she attaches herself with people she feels connected with without realizing that she may sometimes be overbearing.  Neva loves being around people and the void in her, I understand why she is the way she is considering she has no siblings at home to reverberate her love and passion for life.  No one can understand this child more than I can because I have tasted death and loss firsthand and am the closest to her that understands that I cannot 100% understand the loss she carries with her.  That sweet child of mine, the pain she has to endure, breaks me in millions of pieces for I am the one who needs to hold those pieces together for her.  When talking about that, it definitely takes another blog to talk about the life of a single full-time working mother. 

With that being said, my daddy is in the hospital with the diagnosis of Congestive Heart Failure and he has been in the hospital since last Friday.  They want to keep him for a couple of more days to ensure that he is well enough to go home.  However, the problem with my dad, we are in some ways alike, especially in the health department.  One sure thing that we are alike is the tendency to postpone to see a physician when we sense something's a- foul.  The picture here is a picture of my dad standing in the front holding my hand and behind us are my aunt, Lisa, my sisters (blondes), Tamara and Tracy.  Behind the kids are my grandpa (dad's dad) and step-grandma, Betty.  It is hard to say in the picture of where the snapshot took place but it was one of my favorites because it captured grandpa in the background as well as dad holding my hand. 

 When I saw this picture, the river of tears flew out for many reasons including the fact that Neva does not have this kind of experience like I did kill me.  It is how it goes with me though.   However, since that daddy's in the hospital, he had a video phone attached to his room and called last night.  I did not tell Neva that her grandfather was in the hospital for a couple of reasons but last night left me with no choice.  As we got on, Neva's curiosity was tapped into and asked why he was in the hospital.  It did not help the fact that he was having heart trouble but we reassured her that grandpa was ok and was getting out soon.  So tonight's conversation was because of last night and tonight and my heart is definitely heavy. 

Shell's parents are the strongest people I know and even with health issues they have faced lately, I have tried avoiding discussing health issues with Neva because she is hyper-sensitive toward that subject. She is absolutely kept up to date with her families and all the good news they bear though.  We look forward to our summer plans with everyone and definitely will keep you all posted!  

Kudos to my dearest daughter, Neva Shell...

  

New Addition

Mr. Dibs

For some of you that may not know, we used to have a dog who I named Mr. Dibs.  The reason behind the name was very simple, however, the story about Mr. Dibbs will be told at another time.  Indeed, our doorsteps at 10th street in Washington, DC seemed to be very inviting to the four legged's.   The night before we left DC for Newark, while we were packing up our stuff, a stranger walked in our house while I was loading my car.  Much to our alarm, it was inviting himself in and we had no idea who he was!  The four legged strutted his stuff and began sniffing around...a beautiful black cat.  He was friendly and very adoptable in my book.  Neva and I doted at the idea of bringing him with us to Newark but I knew it was probably impossible.  I did not have a litter box, food, or carriage for that cat and it seemed to be domesticated and bringing him to Newark would ruin his chance of returning home altogether.  Ultimately, I explained to Neva that we were not bringing him and "promised" her that we would get a cat when we were in Newark. Note the word, "promise". 

Neva held steadfast to my promise and never allowed me to forget :).  I kept telling her "soon" until I realized that I did not want her to think I was making empty promises.  To be honest, I miss having cat paws around the house because after Neva goes to sleep, it gets quiet in here.  Hence began the quest of a perfect cat...and the list was short.  I only wanted a cat that was good with kids and was personable.  I never imagined that the simplicity in a cat that I was looking for came out to be such a blessing.   

I was never a Craigslist type of person but I thought I would look into that for pets that needed good homes and because it was "cheaper".  When I found an ad with Roscoe's picture, it was not great but for some reason, the picture did a pull on me in which I felt compelled to respond.  The owner responded rather quickly and said the cat was still available and eventually we set the date to pick him up the following day.  The drive took about an hour although it was like 35 miles and it was in Drexel Hill, PA.   While I was driving, I was thinking, 'holy cow, if that cat turns out to be a dud, what am I gonna do?'  Neva already was expecting a cat, the people giving him up were expecting me, and I was sitting there thinking of the worst-case scenario.  Sheesh!  What do I do?!  Wind up with a cat that is going to be a pain in the arse?  I was fretting at no end about how I was going to handle the disappointment.  Such pessimist, eh? 

When we arrived, the owner was very nice to stand outside in the cold to greet us.  While entering the apartment, cigarettes and incense immediately followed and once inside, I saw the mother of the family crying holding the grey cat.  I definitely was not prepared for that scenario.  Then there was the six-year-old boy lying on the couch crying his heart out because we were there to take the cat away.  My heart broke.  The four-year-old hid clutched behind the mother, the father gestured to the mother to give me the cat, and I gestured her to give him to Neva because I wanted to see for myself if the cat was indeed good with children.  At that precise moment, I felt overwhelmed because my emotion was overrun with pity for the family’s loss.  Nevertheless, the cat sat nicely in Neva's arms and the smile....the smile on Neva's face was PRICELESS but I was ridden with GUILT!   Okay that's it!  Ready to go!  Quite honestly, I was in a hurry to leave because a minute later, I would be sitting with them convincing them to keep the cat.  They had to give him up because the landlord did not allow pets.  After some words were exchanged, we left with "Smokey" and he meowed all the way home climbing on the dashboard and sitting on top of it - I kept thinking about the 6-year-old boy who cried and felt so bad.  Unexpectedly, I walked into a heart-wrenching situation because I know I would never want to put Neva through something like this.   However, this story did happen and we dealt with it. 

Sheba, Rambo, and Furry II

To give you a glimpse of my history with cats: my dad always hated cats when we were growing up and we always were under the impression that we would never have cats.  We had dogs and Sheba was my favorite -she was a mix of Irish Settler and some other breed.  I do not think we all ever knew what she was but to me, she was the kindest soul and the nicest dog on the block, or at least I thought.  I was attached to her and would sleep on her tummy at times when I was much younger.  However, to the point, my father finally relented after all of us girls and mom begged dad to us to have a cat.  Much credit went to mom as I suspected she did a good number on dad because we had Rambo home eventually.     

The point to this story is these …how children respond to new pets at home and I definitely remember Rambo coming home and the similarity in how Neva is responding in the same way as I was at the time when Rambo arrived.  In the past six days, I have been nagging at Neva on how to handle Roscoe.  However, the funny part was that I don’t think Roscoe even cared (except the attempt at bathing him and stuffing him in the backpack because she wanted to take him to school).   I have never seen a cat that loves a child as Roscoe loves Neva and he IS taken by her.  I think it’s amazing that their relationship blossomed and Neva now feels she has a friend at home. 

Rambo at 3 mos. old.

When Rambo arrived, we lifted him, carried him, tried to dress him up in Cabbage Patch doll clothes (the faux fur),  which mom hand-made, taped his paws because it was so funny to watch him walk – all this drove parents crazy.  At one time, Rambo hid so well that we called a search party to look for him.  It turned out that we found him hiding in the linen closet where it was soft and dark.  It was then when I realized that I should have given him more space.  

Roscoe and Neva

Stuffing Roscoe in her backpack because Neva wanted to bring him to school or boxing him in a storage bin because Neva wanted him contained while she’s changing into PJ’s … those moments .. cute but sometimes ARGH!! I now can relate to how my parents felt 20+ years ago :).  I know Roscoe’s hiding spot and I refuse to tell Neva where because, like anyone, they need their energy restored.  I never came across a cat who would play hide n’ seek, chase a child down the hall and want to sleep with her.  I named him Roscoe almost immediately when we got home because of his personality.  I did consider naming him Blue because of his fur appearing to be gray/bluish but the fact that our two dear friends' pet names are also Blue, I had to think of a different name.  In the end, I'm very happy with the selection of his name.   Roscoe’s absolutely a gem!

In retrospect, I remember what it was like having a cat in the house for the first time, in which celebrating an additional member to our family should be special, and it is for us.  However, I suspect there will be a lot of “teaching” on how to handle Roscoe.  For Neva, the excitement she has in her eyes the past week coming home has been wonderful to see and is PRICELESS.  She told me she feels like she has a friend at home, which is also wonderful to know.  It is sometimes tough to be the only kid at home.  The fact she knows I see through my promises is very important to me as well.  So now, we have a cat with us, I am definitely sure there will be more stories to come.  So Roscoe…welcome to our little family!

Martin Luther King

This blog is not going to be as lively as my previous entries but it is going to be sensitive.  I hope this would be a moment to remember as a mother and for you, whether a mother or not, to resonate with me.  I also hope that if you have suggestions or feedback, please share it with me.   As I was driving home from DSD tonight, as I mentioned in my last blog, Neva is the talker in the car.  Neva signed ML starting from the shoulder to the hip. To be quite honest, I never imagined she would understand the story of MLK, the complexities of segregation and all that because after all, she has not yet noticed that she is white and she is 5 years old.  I had to ask her to repeat before my suspicion was confirmed.  I have thought of discussing this before with Neva but decided to allow her to be color-blind for as long as possible until the day she notices something amiss.  Some of you may or may not agree but I felt that I wanted to savor her innocence and be "race-free" (I know that word does not exist but how to quite explain that?). 

DSD has a wonderful after school program where students could stay and develop social skills with other students (K-5th grade) and participate in activities.  Today was the Literacy program where someone would sign books out loud (themes) and activities that really vary.  When Neva signed MK, I eventually figured out she was talking about Martin Luther King, Jr.  Then she described in detail the events that had occurred and even included that someone shot him.  I was, at first, squeamish, about the fact she understood that a leader was shot dead.  Naturally, like any mother, I wanted to shield her away from violence or anything that appears to be threatening.  She was talking about some white people taking equality away from “black people” and now they are equal.  It was just so WEIRD to see Neva talking like that, because…I do not know, maybe I still think she is too young to worry about those kinds of things.  But then again, it is just me.  However, the more she talked, the more I was proud of how well she learned the lesson because she very much spelled equality out. 

Tonight she colored her book and showed this to me and I found this interesting!  After a couple of hours after discussing this topic, we did a lot of different things at home and before bed, I allowed her time to draw, write, read or whatever.  She chose to color and this was what she did.  

So obviously, one picture consisted of a "white" Barney and another consisted of a "black Barney and Neva was conscious about it.  WOW.   I just think that this is really sensitive and did not expect this to surface until a bit little later.   But since this information is very important to incorporate in her life, I think I did not expect it to occur so early but if the time has arrived, it has arrived.  So if any of you have experiences of how to share this with your children or students or whatever, please feel free to share here.  

More gist on Interstate 95

When I began my blog yesterday, I really took a stab at writing for it has been YEARS since I have even written, other than my research papers and projects for graduate school.  The writer in me is rusty and for those who have read yesterday, I thank you for your patience as I take tweaks here and there along the way :).  As one may say, some things are always work in progress!

This week the theme to me seems to be this...INTERSTATE 95!

The only logical sense in which is recurrent to me was because of my recent travels to Wisconsin and back to Delaware.  As I was cruising up on 95 North this morning to drop Neva off at our wonderful babysitter, getting on was much difficult than getting on a horse, to tell you the truth.  People on 95 North blaze their way up as if there is no tomorrow (sorry to say but Delaware drivers are much more aggressive than NJ and NY drivers around here)!  One SUV was actually tailgating and blinking lights behind me and I was not even on the "fastest" lane.  (Mind you, that driver, I was just as in much of a hurry as you were to get to work!)  Much to my dismay, I could not give the SUV the bird because then the endless WHY's from Neva would follow.  How could I explain to a 5-year-old what the bird really means when I am ever so trying to teach her manners, patience, respect, and so on forth?  Nah - not even worth it so I did not go there. 

While all that was happening, I had to laugh.  Neva was positioned sitting behind me on the passenger's side and my mirror's set so I could see her (Neva is a talker and she loves to talk while we are traveling).  I had my sunglasses on and we were conversing as usual WHILE I was driving and if you could already picture this scenario as a driver, what would you see?  I admit, for some, this may be not clear but consider that we are both deaf and we use mirrors to communicate.  While darting our way through the freeway, I was talking to Neva about something and began to notice other drivers around me taking second looks and giving me weird looks.  I was like...hmm...what was that?  Did they give me the face?  As I began to contemplate as I am sensitive to how people respond to me like many people (I assume), I started to laugh out loud.  This does not happen often - laughing out loud by yourself - those moments are really incredible. 

Anyways.

Herbie car

I began to understand what was happening.  These drivers did not know I was deaf and I was communicating with my daughter in the backseat and I did have her as an "audience", thank you.  Instead, people thought that the driver of Mazda 5 was insane by using her body language, facial expressions and what not to NO ONE other than cars in front of her OR most importantly - talking to herself!  While I was cursing inside my head and thinking of ungodly thoughts of drivers around me, I imagined they thought of thoughts about me just the same.  A funny thing happened when all of this came to light, Herbie car showed up.  How weird is that?!  Maybe not for you but for me, it was.  I told myself right there and then that this morning already went weird and could not go any weirder than that.  I knew right then and there that I had to rush to DSD and there, I would feel no backlash from drivers on Interstate 95 :)

The thing to think about tonight - whenever you see people doing weird stuff in their car (assuming they are picking their noses or making fast gestures), do not be too quick to judge :).   And seriously, kindly do not tailgate and blink your lights, people. 

Trip Through Lancaster, PA

While traveling back to Newark, DE from our Christmas break in Wisconsin, I decided instead of taking the humdrum of Interstate 95, to travel through Lancaster, PA.  Never once I thought this would become a teaching moment for Neva and perhaps for myself.  I suppose that in this day and age, a lot of us take for granted the things that are run by electricity such as automobiles, technologies (pagers, laptops, portable DVD players, and iPods).  I never really considered what kind of world Neva is seeing because, in my world, I remember the beginning of VCR, CC's, walkman, and everything huge!  However, my iPod now is like 5x smaller than it used to be and the songs do not skip because of every step (referring to portable CD/walkman) I make nor does portable DVD require an additional box to play movies.   Everything was so much simpler back then or was it?   I did not consider any of these until this afternoon when we drove through Lancaster, PA. 

Neva lives in a world where everything is automated and by the touch.  She does not understand that it is possible that people live without these things, especially electricity...at least until we drove through Lancaster, PA (hopefully).  When driving through, I noticed an Amish family walking by the side of the road and pointed them to Neva.  While doing so, I felt foolish because it was like the tourists I made fun of in D.C. :).  Neva was looking over and had a weird expression on her face and turned back to me and said, "why? it's raining!".  I was not prepared for her answer for I foresaw she would comment on the way they were differently dressed or something else).  I responded by explaining that they do not believe in relying on cars for transportation and so on forth.  The first thing that came out of her mouth was....*scoffing - are you kidding me * type of laughter.  I was taken aback!  What?!  No!  Then there went by a horse-drawn buggy with people in it and I again pointed them and Neva verbalized her favorite word, "why"?  I explained to her about the traditions and practices of Amish people and how they perceive cars and electricity and to my amazement, she thought I was kidding.  "I'm serious! Don't you believe me?!"  I never ever thought I would ask, or beg if you will, for my 5-year-old daughter to believe me!  I drove in silence for a short moment and gathered my thoughts, probably my shock.  There goes another buggy and alas, I pointed and Neva laughed.  She commented on how silly to be traveling so slow!   I was aghast.  Seriously!

There I decided was when I needed to teach her about the value of having something that others may not value as much.  I explained  A LOT about what we have that we really do not need but we choose to because we find it entertaining.   Others choose to do things they choose to because they like what they are doing (beliefs).  Neva was shocked.  She was beyond disbelief.  I was truly amazed!

So fellow readers, make sure you take a trip through Lancaster, PA and teach your children about what life is really about. :).

Yes, I have just now started my own blog and was inspired by our dear friend, Heather Lightfoot-Withrow when she began blogging about her children, especially Orion.  I thought since I have always wanted to be a writer of some sort and this is a good place to write my thoughts out loud.   



I really doubt I would have an audience but I hope for our friends to be checking in here from time to time to check us out.   However, for those who are interested but do not know us, I am going to briefly give you an idea of who we are.  I'm 34 years old young at heart woman born and raised in Wisconsin along with my two older deaf sisters whom I love with my whole heart.  My folks have been married for about 45 years and last I checked, they seemed to be recently married.  This is what I call a beautiful marriage, by the way :).   



Shell and me after MSD HC 2004



Five years ago, I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, Neva Shell Whittaker in Fulton, Missouri.  It was unfortunate that six months before the birth, I lost Neva's father to massive cardiac arrest in which his life was taken into God's hands.  The healing process would not have been possible if not for those who were there for me (parents, sisters, coworkers, and students at MSD, Fulton community, Meddra, Marla, Lori, Mandy, and Margie as well as the whole Whittaker clan). 

A month after Neva was born, I received word that I received full funding to return back to Gallaudet University to complete my Bachelor's degree and I jumped at the chance for many important reasons.  When we were settled in on campus, the years flew by so quickly that before I knew, it was May of 2010 and I was receiving my Masters.  It was one of the proudest moments in my life and I hope I made Neva proud.  I also hope that I have set an example for single mothers out there who want to reach as far as furthering their education that they CAN with determination and passion.  



The summer of 2010 was gruesome for me because I had no strong job prospects, my lease was up at the end of July and I had a child to raise.  The pressure was mounting up.   On June 28th, the day after my birthday, the Delaware School for the Deaf called and offered me a job.  Oh!  I cannot begin to describe to you the fleeting thoughts I have had at that moment.   I definitely cried a LOT and thanked God and lots of people who stuck by me through those years.   August 1st came, we left Washington, DC to move to Newark, DE.  I truly appreciated the years I was in DC and for those that I have become friends with or have grown to known, I've been blessed.  After few months of being here in Delaware and being with the DSD family, all I can say is that I hope I continue to do what I do here because I love everything about Delaware. 



Our most recent picutre 12/10