On Moving and Maryland School for the Deaf

Moving is a life-changing experience and it is much more complex for Neva than it was two years ago when we embarked to Delaware from Washington, DC.  She was 5 years old at the time and I'm glad she remembered the move but of course vaguely.  Transition is crucial to all children and their involvement in the process is extremely important. 

Moving to Frederick, Maryland had been quite an experience not only for Neva but for myself as well.  Delaware treated us very well and I truly miss living there and the students and staff  I worked with were so amazing, warm, and loving.  Neva missed DSD because it was the place she was familiar with along with the people at the school.  However, at the same time, we are liking what we are seeing here in Frederick.  I am seeing that things are happening for Neva.  At the same time, we are overwhelmed with how stimulating and welcoming the community has been.  I am grateful and thankful that we have come to the right place.  It is a transition that involves different feelings, experiences, and perceptions within myself as well as for Neva and others.

When we came for a visit back in the spring, we had a forum for potential MSD parents to come and talk with current students' parents, administrators and such to discuss options.  Jennifer Yost-Oritz, our principal at Columbia campus presented an experience of her own that was really reviving about the community support in Frederick.  I was holding back tears when she told the story because, at that time, I was so much looking for community support and helping hands. I didn't have family living nearby and Delaware community was so small that help isn't always available.   I was going back and forth about staying in Delaware or making a change and she helped me make that decision easy.   She convinced me that, YES, the move was necessary.

I am a full time working single mother that is working to make ends meet and the support from the community is a luxury to me.  Although I have not yet befriended a lot of people in town or in the community whoever I met already are just fabulous.  Neva was on the flag football team and the staff there were very engaged and helpful - totally amazing and exactly what I am looking for!  MSD gave me a whiff of some memories and felt old sentiments I had while growing up.  Ever since I was 7 years old just the same age as Neva, I was enrolled at the Wisconsin School for the Deaf and on the first Sunday of every school year, we were ushered into the gymnasium to complete the registration process and all that.  That first Sunday, I was nostalgic because of the experience that I had growing for 10 was happening again for Neva and myself.  To be honest, that day was one of my favorite days of the year!  The point is that the experience was just familiar to me and I never had that before with Neva.  It felt so grand even to the point of my saying it was like a "homecoming".   

Neva met with several other children throughout the week with her sitter, who by the way is awesome.  It was strange for me that Neva was meeting kids and parents and I was not there to do "meet and greet" thing :).  However, we came to MSD that Sunday for our family orientation and Neva exclaimed she knew this student and that student and it was awkward because I wasn't there for those meet and greet times because I was at work:)  It was the first year MSD have done orientation and I think it was a wonderful thing to do!  Once she told me their names, Neva became shy and nervous, she couldn't smile, aww!  She was definitely out of her comfort zone.  It was painful to see yet I know next year will be different.  She met with a couple of other girls in her class and one was new.  Neva commented on how many more girls are in her class than ever and yes, her observation was just keen. Peer-wise and academically-wise, there are a lot of girls here and this was what I was looking for.  I have no idea how the dynamics of that group are becoming but I am on board!

Emotionally, the move was much more of a challenge than it was with the move to Delaware when Neva was 5 years old.  I suspect it is because of the age thing and the relationships she developed with teachers, staff, and peers in Delaware had much more depth.  She especially missed her friends there but I'm grateful she was good at coping and making friends at MSD.  My heart breaks from time to time to see her experience new things but yes, it is a good thing.  It only means she is learning and growing to be a girl she is meant to be.

One night, I took her to go to watch varsity volleyball game and she was awestruck and commented on the fact (quite an observant gal, by the way) that the players were like the Olympics players we watched on TV last summer.  She was right because of the speed, power, and movement of the games were similar in the eyes of 7 years old.  MSD is well known for the excellent athletic program and the team definitely represented.   Although they lost, it was one of the best games I have ever seen to date in a deaf residential school setting.  So in the eyes of a mother of a daughter whose future is hopeful and bright, MSD has provided us the place to remember why we are here and the choices that we have made to bring us here to ensure our child's success in the future.  Like any parent, we should always be supportive and encouraging of our children including others to be as successful.  That is what a positive community is all about and I am sensing that among Neva's friends' parents - so thrilled to be part of that experience!

To Spank or not to Spank...

I recently had some unpleasant conversations with some people that sparked my motivation to write this blog about whether spanking is right or wrong.  In a recent vlog, someone talked about how it is considered domestic violence to spank children and those parents who spank children are considered unfit parents. 

First of all, I do not promote violence and I think there are better ways to discipline our children than using corporal punishment such as spanking to teach children to display behaviors that we want to see.  I have a strong and heavy background in social work as both of my bachelor's and masters are in social work.  However, my master's specialized in school social work.  My training has heavily allowed me to develop relationships with children, parents, teachers, administrators and other personnel involved to provide services to children and their families.  When I was in graduate school, I learned a very important responsibility I have as a social worker and that is to always remember there are two sides to everything.  Do not ever pass judgment or make assumptions without looking at all sides and when determined that families need help, we provide help period.  No judgments or biases REGARDLESS of what researches have shown.  We have the knowledge, education, and training to model appropriate behaviors.  We do not need to tell parents they are unfit based on current researches.  That information is unproductive to average parents.  We need to SHOW them alternative ways.  

When I responded to this person's vlog politely suggesting that we refrain from passing judgment toward parents who spank their children, I was told that my education was outdated and that I needed more training - something called Parent Plus from a person that does not have a degree in this area of expertise.  That really scares me.  Judgment and bias against people and families you do not know and understand is a dangerous path that will lead people and families to not adapt and learn about what methods of discipline are appropriate.  People in this field will have to have an open mind, no matter how complicated, painful and even wrong some situations are but the ultimate goal is to help cultivate families to be emotionally, mentally and physically healthy. 

When parents spank their children, we have to keep in mind that the spanking culture is derived from our own experiences.  What was considered acceptable 30 years ago may not be acceptable today and my parents still think spanking is okay.  Does this mean I should judge my parents' philosophy on discipline?  No because this was what they learned from their parents.  Does this mean I was abused when I was growing up?  Definitely not!  This is a very deep-seated issue within our culture and it is always best to look at the sides and reasons behind their choice of discipline rather than judging and claiming parents to be unfit. Educate and model.  

This was a very hot topic in one of my graduate classes and nothing was pretty much resolved by the end of that class. This situation is very sensitive and similar to topics such as abortion and cochlear implants.   However, there is a clear line between when spanking becomes abuse and when it is not.  It does not matter if I agree or support the method but it was discussed in class and the professor was the one who offered those insights.  If a person spanks a child with the intent to harm, to express anger or relief or use objects, that is abuse.  If a person spanks a child with the purpose to correct his behavior without wanting to injure or to express anger/relief, then it is not abuse.  The law says that the parent cannot hit a child with a closed fist or with objects in some states and that makes total sense. 

As a parent, if someone told me she or he wanted to spank their children but chose not to do so, I would have completely understood. Being a parent is very hard work and having no patience on some days that are just seemingly unbearable, a quick fix like spanking sounds like a good idea.  But it is not.   Spanking is not the answer and is not a tool to teach our children appropriate behavior.  This will only teach them that it is acceptable to hit.  If mommy does it, then why can't I? 

Before we pass judgment about parents and their parenting skills, find out as much as we can about families' background and their life experiences before doing so.  We will be doing them a lot of favor. :)