In Memory of William "Bill" Franklin Perry: A Daughter's Tribute

William Franklin Perry, aka dad.  He left for Home on October 28, 2013.  A year ago yesterday.

For a year now,  I have thought about dad everyday briefly and I see him every day on my phone since his picture is on my screen.  Every day I try hard to not allow my emotions, grief, and sadness to hijack my day because I know I have responsibilities in order to function.  But tonight - wow - I miss dad terribly.

My dad was probably one of fewest I knew that never judged me.  Although he would sit and give me lectures about the importance of paying bills, getting an education and all that  - he did it with so much love.  I made SO many mistakes especially after graduating from high school and I knew I drove my parents nuts, especially dad.  He saw himself in me and I can imagine that drove him even crazier.  Dad rolled his eyes so many times with me, gave me those "come on!" look, shook his head countless times but he did it with love.  He always said, "I worry about you", "ILY" (sign), I miss him.  Every time I got up to go somewhere in our tiny 4-bedrooms house, he would ask, "where are you going?"  Full disclosure - I ask Neva this all the times now in our two bedrooms condo.   I understood why he asked.  I want Neva to stay with me...not be locked up in her bedroom.

Not only was I challenging, but I was also just plain stupid - a kid that rarely thought twice before doing something.  However, looking back now, my dad was my anchor to a boat that floated aimlessly in a vast strange ocean you call life.  Dad was the one who reeled me back to dock and reminded me of how important it was to stay true to myself and do what I needed to do to succeed.   My esteemed dad, he was a poignant leader in our small yet important deaf community. He stood steadfast in his morals and values and to the responsibilities of a leader in a deaf community.   Dad was a great role model for me.  I always aimed to please him in a good way.  In many ways, I wanted to be like him.

What dad and I had in common was our sense of humor - we get each other.  My dad and mom had something very special going on between them too and I miss watching them tease each other and I know this is a huge part that mom misses the most about dad now.

There are so many memories I have with dad over the years.  One of the millions of things he taught my sisters and I was the importance of acquiring humility.  To this day, my morals are all in one way or another tied to humility.  We were discussing something that we were achieving at and I believe it was sports and dad stopped us all and talked about how important it was to be humble and grateful to opportunities we got in order to succeed.  I think and still believe that it was a very instrumental part of teaching he had for us growing up because it still applies.

In my early 20's when I was living with my parents and living my rebellious years, dad and I often played our favorite game, Triominos.  We didn't follow the rules of the game and created our own to make it more fun - looking back, it was a way maybe unconsciously or on purpose - keeping me out of trouble.  Ever since I left home for good, I never played that game and even now I have a new unopened case of Trionimos, it will never ever be the same.  I have not yet dared to open it.  Dad and I were competitive and so was the rest of my family :) I love them all!  Imagine Monopoly night with the family - rarely did it ever end well as dad was always the esteemed banker :).But my time with dad playing Triominos,  ask my mom, we played a lot.  During the time we played, we talked about life.  We talked about stuff that may not matter to others but this is what I miss most about dad.

The day I finally graduated from college, my entire family all were in attendance.  My dad was there teary-eyed and when I finished my Masters, I was able to catch him outside of Field House before everyone out stampeded out - we hugged and sobbed.  I cried because I was so happy I could make my dad proud and my dad cried because he was so happy I was able to reach my goal.  It was a moment I will never forget.

The night before his knee replacement surgery...we talked on FT and he shared his fears with me about how the surgery could go bad for him.  I reassured him that life would be better for him afterwards being able to walk more instead of sitting down.  I wished him well and the next time I was on FT with him was the night after the surgery.  The surgery was successful but he was in a lot of pain and on medication.  We talked briefly and I thought to myself, whew! He made it!  However, two days later while I was at work, I received a text from mom saying..."he's gone".  I grew frantic because what did that mean?  Dad is gone?  I waited for some time before mom confirmed dad died.

Life has never been the same for me...even when after Shell died....this was another blow.  My anchor...my dock...my loving dad...gone.  He was a beautiful soul...troubled at times but he showed up every time.

Dad was a great role model for me.  He was.

What It Takes to have ADHD Child...

No one will resonate with me except for those who have kids with ADHD.  No parent, friend, family, teacher, counselor, coach, or administrator will really comprehend the complexity of what a child with ADHD encounter every day unless they have a child themselves with ADHD.  What is even more heart-breaking is that most of my child's peers are not compassionate, understanding, thoughtful, or even sensitive to my child's everyday struggles.  They are the ones who make the most influence on Neva and each other.

Some parents do not really help educate their children about accepting and understanding diversity such as the color of people's skin, their religions, sexual orientations including ADHD.  They only worry about their child's popularity and how they can fit in by stepping over others who struggle.  They offer words of comfort and encouragement yet they're just words.  Given that most parents are not familiar and they do not simply know about ADHD, they remain neutral, quiet, and not involved which is not only harmful but damaging.

Ask me about children with Down Syndrome and I wouldn't be the best person to give perfect answers because I don't know.  Yet I am the type of person who would go find resources, talk with people and learn as much as I can to educate not only myself and Neva about this person but to as many people as I can reach out to if ever a child shows up in Neva's school.  I would go out of my way to meet the person and learn.  We owe them that much.  In this case, I so much wish for Neva's peers' parents to understand the importance of learning about ADHD so they can educate their children that all Neva need is acceptance, understanding and especially love.   Neva is thankfully strong yet she has days where she feels like the world is against her.  She is burdened with not just expectations from parents and the community but the expectations of her peers to be "alike".  She was born to stand out and not be like other kids who want to just fit in and be popular.  Imagine the resilience in her...everyday she has to have her game on with million of stuff jolting through her head.  Recently, it was a rare moment where a parent invited Neva to an event.  PAH!  Someone sees and understands Neva.  This had done wonders for Neva recently.  She felt as if she "belonged".   That was really a moment.

Here's one of our stories...recently after basketball practice, she was with a group of girls and then all
of a sudden, someone pulled out a phone to take a group picture.  She was quickly told she did not belong (please don't mind get out of the frame?") and all the girls said nothing and stuck their tongues out and the picture was taken and posted online called "the squad".  She was singled out right there and then and in front of her.  No one said or did anything.  Imagine how hard our conversation was that night...it wasn't the first and definitely will not be the last.  There have been endless stories of how Neva was mistreated and we went through those moments together...quietly.

My heart breaks when I hear slights from adults who are quick to label and put Neva in a box.  "Lazy,  unorganized, not motivated, distracted, very busy...but SMART!"  Sigh.   She's in middle school, the meanest place ever on earth.  She's navigating this world and is learning very fast that she needs to speak up and be herself.  But the task of having to do this every single day is daunting on top of controlling her impulsivity and hyperactivity.  

Neva has her father's personality!  She's bubbly, funny, smart, sensitive, caring, POSITIVE,  strong, stubborn and she's unaware of her beauty and talents.  She sees the best in everyone and she will stand up for those who have harmed her in the past for the sake of just doing something right.  There aren't many people who would have done this for Neva in return.  That really irks me a lot but I'm proud that Neva is genuine.  This irks me because kids do take advantage of Neva's generosity.

There are days that I am wearisome for I am a single mom who works full time.  I don't have much of community support so I am practically all on my own.  I admit I am not the type of mother I want to be.  I am not fulfilling my duties and roles as I would have liked but I do what I can.  People gave me credit for how sweet and caring Neva is; mostly it is her, not me.  It is Neva who has been a great teacher to me of what it takes to exist in this world.  It's amazing.   She has and continues to make a better person in me.  I am much far more restraint in my thoughts and feelings because of Neva but I still have a long way to go :)

Neva is truly a blessing and I know she's intended for me to care for and to love.  I want to do right by her and to stand up for her, be a protector...yet I need the community, parents and their children to embrace Neva's uniqueness and to welcome her, to show her, to teach her, to involve her...to be the person she needs to be to survive and function in the world.  I cannot do this alone.

Neva is far too precious and worthy to be ignored.  When she taps on your child's shoulder for her attention, please be sure to teach your child to look over and "see" Neva.  She genuinely cares and so much wants to belong.

10 Years Anniversary - Shelden Dunn Whittaker

Ten years, Shell...

 Hard to believe I made it this far.  Hard to believe that it has been 10 years since I last saw you, Shell.  Hard to believe that it feels like yesterday I uttered good night to you not knowing I never would see you again.  Hard to believe our baby girl, Neva Shell, is 9 and going on strong.  Hard to believe I survived all those years holding on to what saved me - love, hope, and faith that life gets better.  And it has and will continue to.

What is not hard to believe is the outpouring love and support from family and friends that kept me afloat.  I have experienced a great loss and suffering and those that have been with me from the start of that life-long journey hopefully know how grateful I am and I know Shell is grateful too.

I know Shell is still with us in spirit and he is with his family as well.  10 years seems like a long time but the pain does not keep time.  As the time nears on October 13th, it feels automatic that my eyes are already filled with tears and my heart is full of pain again.  I don't know why but our 10th year is more painful and poignant.  It is symbolic of time itself and the moments I have endured since the passing to now have been quite a journey.  I feel that huge lump in my throat and heavy tugging in my heart now - all so familiar to me, especially on this anniversary.

I always miss you, Shell but it is the time of the year that I miss you the most.  I wish you were here to share life's joy and pain of raising our beautiful girl, Neva Shell together.  All those milestones that I was forced to celebrate by myself - I know you were there and continue to be with Neva by her side.  It is just not in the flesh that hurts the most.  Your intelligence, out of the world sense of humor, love of people, music, sports, life, and trivia games - I miss wholeheartedly.

I am not perfect and I am sure that you have watched over me and cringed at some stupid things I have done or made decisions that you would not have done so but I have done it with love.  I know you know that.   I have moved on but you will always remain etched in my heart, Shell.

Every time I see a cardinal bird fly by, I know you are flying by saying "hello, I'm still here!"

You were one of a kind.

ADD-H

Neva was born with Attention Deficient Disorder - Hyperactivity (ADD-H) and it has been quite a journey for us, especially Neva.  As she gets older, Neva is starting to notice nuances about herself that she does not see with her peers.  This is painful as a mother to watch Neva go through bouts of tears and frustrations when she makes "mistakes" as she calls it and experiences ridicule and rejection more than others without this disorder.  My heart pains for her and the mommy bear inside me roars each time Neva feels the slight of others' lack of understanding, especially knowledge of the disorder.

While dealing with the loss of Neva's father and my love, Neva was a very quiet baby growing inside my tummy and she rarely moved except after 11pm every night without question.  She was also a wonderful baby, a mother's "dream" when she came out to the world.  Neva slept fully through the night after only a month old and she made all the milestones faster than an average baby would fare.  She even started walking at 9 1/2 months with some help.  Neva wasn't a "terrible two"; however, she was a terrible three. She was an independent toddler and she decided one day she would stop wearing diapers without even having to toilet train her (that was nice, of course).   However, with such autonomy comes with a price especially so young. She was ready to take the bull by its horns.   Being a college student at the time and raising Neva alone, I remember many sleepless nights where Neva would be really alert and it was hard putting her to sleep.  She was such an energizer bunny and I thought it was normal yet I would cry and scream to myself because I had no help or idea of how to better the situation.  Looking back, I would not have survived my years at Gallaudet if not for Margie or Sara.  They remain close in our lives and our hearts today.

Come two years later, Neva was enrolled at the Delaware School for the Deaf as a kindergartner.  As a mom who has lived with Neva for five years, I have grown accustomed to Neva's quirks as well as her personality and tendencies.  As the first year went by, there were a couple of concerns about Neva's impulsivity but as a professional myself, we agreed it was too early to determine anything.  However, into her second year with the same teacher, Ms. Bower was able to, along with an experienced long-term sub and several other professionals determine patterns associated with the disorder.

Even though I was trained as a social worker at the masters level, as a mom, it was an absolutely heart-wrenching experience for me.  The reason for the devastation was because of the struggles I knew Neva would face in the world.  There was a wonderful psychologist there that was an esteemed co-worker I really took comfort to helped me throughout the process.  It is hard to explain even in writing of how I struggled to "accept" that Neva has this "disorder".  She recommended an official evaluation and we finally went to see a doctor in December on our way home for Christmas to Wisconsin.  That was the beginning of my journey as a mother of a child with ADD-H. The Disorder.

It was confirmed by the doctor that Neva indeed has ADD-H and recommended that she take medication for the "disorder".  It took me months to accept and agree to medicate although I know there are many views on how to treat.  The decision to medicate was a personal decision for me and the two main reasons for deciding to medicate were to allow her to function and learn in school while at a very young age and for safety reasons.  I am all familiar with working with students with ADD-H and making sure that medication and counseling go hand in hand to ensure tools and strategies are developed in place.  I am a behavioral support specialist so I do know and understand what is required for Neva to function like others.

Neva is one of a kind. All kids are with this special gift.  Rather than looking at this medically, there are a lot of characteristics in Neva to celebrate.

Neva is passionate, creative, an "out of box" thinker, always willing to help others, full of questions, confident, adventurous, emphatic, unconventional, athletic, smart, fearless, problem-solver, to name a few.  This may be in a lot of children which I surely hope for.  However, with ADD-H, those qualities are to be cherished because every moment in Neva's life is fleeting.  Living with ADHD means Neva lives and sees life as a moving screen.  She thinks and moves at the rate of 50mph as opposed to those who don't have the gift.

So to me, Neva is not broken.  She is unique.  She is lucky.  She does not fit in the norms nor mold of society, so what.  She is unique so she is capable of standing out and make differences.  She is N.E.V.A.

Neva and I had a conflict tonight which led her in tears of not being capable of avoiding making "mistakes".  I acknowledged the impulsivity yet I asked her, "Why are you upset?"  She said her ADD-H caused her to make mistakes which in turn caused some words being said among friends.  "Why do I have ADD-H!!!"  She cried.  My heart broke.  Naturally, we talked and her spirit was restored.  I am her fortress and her shield...for now.  Hopefully, with community and school's support, we all can help eventually.

After transferring to Maryland School for the Deaf, Neva is going into her third year now as a 4th grader.  Neva has a lot of tools she built for herself with the guidance of staff, teachers and myself as a parent as well as other families who are understanding and compassionate.  It is without question that I wear my heart on my sleeve for my lil' girl and I get overly sensitive when Neva is mistreated or especially when she is being bullied.   Oftentimes I have to remind myself that kids and their parents are not educated in this kind of gift that Neva has.  If they are open, I will gladly guide them and allow discussions to develop healthy relationships.  At the same time, I have to remind myself that I need to allow Neva room for errors that she can solve for herself.  This is a challenge for me.   I hope other parents can recognize my struggles and support me in this effort.

Together, we stand; divided we fall.

The BFF Business

 We were unfortunately introduced to the girls' BFF business not long enough and I was floored at how stressful the whole thing is.  For a third-grader, BFF business has no business in Neva's life, to be honest.  It is my job as a parent to introduce Neva to as many people as I can and to ensure that she embraces the notion that the people she meets are her potential life teachers.  To be assigned to a selected few and hopefully gain status as one of the popular kids is not going to make a child like Neva wholesome.  I realize as I type this, I may offend some people but I am speaking from the heart and my hope out of writing this is to educate.

When the silly BFF business was thrust into our lives, I did a lot of research because I wanted to know why people are inclined to fall into that pattern of living.  I also wanted to learn if this is the normalcy among people out there or if it is really just an isolated situation within our community.  With what I have found after many hours and several days of researching and reading articles, this is the trend.  Parents push for their children to identify their BFF's so that this can almost guarantee that their children will not be bullied.  Other results showed that insecurity and low self-esteem among parents are several factors which cause them to push BFF business onto their children. 

Ouch.

Wow.

That was my first few responses.  As a strong supporter of an anti-bullying campaign, I feel it is my responsibility as a parent of a daughter to raise awareness and encourage parents to work together and get the community involved such as PTCA.  I acknowledge that one on one relationships have so many benefits as evidenced through Neva and my niece Cha'Risa through her month visit to Maryland. 

However, to prevent bullying to continue its vicious cycle is to build a team of parents to educate other parents on how to teach our daughters to interact appropriately and to supervise them when girls are together (somewhat a community accountability effort and collaboration with parents). With our guidance, they will go far. Technology has somewhat robbed their opportunities from the type of experiences we had back then where we had more interaction with people (social skills).  So with that being said, we have to be vigilant.

Knowledge is power.

Instead of all that BFF business, celebrate girlfriends.  Celebrate diversity.

We can't go wrong with that.

One Cat and Family's Journey...



Roscoe outside of our balcony.

Family pets are usually special because they share bonds with family members that are unique and personal.  Usually, family pets have a master they love and cherish and in our family, we have Roscoe and Aslan.  Rather than considering myself a master to my furries ones, I am their provider, their keeper, and most importantly, their surrogate mom. 

In the past when we vacationed for a length period of time, I would hire a sitter to come and tend to my cats a couple times a week.  With the move to Maryland and the cost of living here, the going rate for a sitter around Frederick was around $20.00 per visit as opposed to Newark, Delaware where I was billed $7.00 per day.  We were going to Wisconsin for 10 days and the cost of having someone come in would have been over $100 easy considering they would come every other day.  So I thought that by taking the cats with us, it would save some money as well as start my cats on their traveling experience.  The decision did not take long to transpire as my parents agreed to house them and we worked out all the details.  Perfect! 



Roscoe was very restless on our trip.

I was nervous about taking the cats on a long trip and the second voice in me whispered "impending doom" over and over in the last 48 hours before we embarked was weird but not enough to cause me alarm.  (Those words are not the words I would use, actually.)  I had a hanging feeling that something was going to happen but I had no idea what.  It was not a bad feeling though yet I could not figure out what it was.  I usually follow my intitutions but this time, I could not place the feeling with what.  Now as I am writing this, I am amazed at how blind I really was because bringing cats on road trips isn't of our norms so hence the warning.   

Loud and whiny in his cage!

The trip to Wisconsin was a trip from hell because Roscoe, my dear boy made the trip so long and unbearable with his constant crying and yelling.  While Aslan was the opposite and he was very quiet, Roscoe's cries were so loud and when he was in the crate, he tried to open the gate with his claws and some of his claws chipped so I had to let him out.  With Roscoe out of the cage, it was madness.   It was pretty bad until the sun went down, he started to calm down.  Roscoe was probably more exhausted than anyone else in the car by the time we arrived in Chicago.  When we got to my parents' home and he was freed, Roscoe braved the environment considering there were two other cats living there.  It took a while before Roscoe and Aslan got their footing in the house.

Aslan when he was a kitten

While Aslan is a cute and really sweet but a scaredy-cat (I love him - don't take me wrong), he only comes out at nights after Neva falls asleep (I'm sure he listens to her breathing!), Roscoe was a very tough Alpha type of cat that will follow me everywhere.  He would thrust himself into the refrigerator and try to steal lunch meat and will climb up to the top of the refrigerator or the cabinets and run. He would chase Neva if she ran in the apartment and that helped to keep her from running at times :).  He was always beside me.  Every time Neva and I worked together on crafts, games, puzzles, doing homework or even cleaning rooms, Roscoe always was with us.  Roscoe loved being outdoors and I have stories about him falling off balconies and such.  But above all, Roscoe was my pride and joy and definitely part of our everyday family life experience, however, you want to call it.

Roscoe was not pleased with the new addition. 

Roscoe was doing pretty well at my parents' house and never once did he try to flee from the door as he would at our home sometimes.  I had no reason to think that he would try the night I took out plastic bottles to the recycling bin out in the back.  After I came into the house, my parents' cats got into a snarly fight and I went down to the basement to make sure the eldest cat was alright.  After that, I went straight to bed.  The next morning I awoke and was puzzled that Roscoe was not sleeping with me.  I then assumed that he might as well have slept with Neva as he had before.  After a slow start in the morning, I realized Roscoe hadn't come out like he usually did.  He was not the kind of cat that was not involved in our family life. I began calling him out to no avail and that was unusual.  I started to frantic and brought out the canned food - usually does the trick in bringing the cats out.  Roscoe did not come.  My stomach did the flops as I knew he was gone.  Just like that.   My mom and Neva started helping to look for him and after 45 minutes, I did not want to but had to acknowledge that he was gone.  My mom and I stepped outside and called him out and when mom commented on how her screen window was scratched, I immediately knew it was Roscoe. 

I stayed outside for a long time calling him out and eventually I came to terms that Roscoe was gone because it had snowed that night he snuck out.  I went back into the house and bawled my heart out.  I have not had felt such loss since Shell and my heart broke into pieces.  Roscoe was a special cat to me and to have lost him this way really was really painful.  For about a week, I fell into depression and despair and I am thankful to my parents for being very understanding and they helped me in any way they could.  Especially out in the cold and the snow, I feared for the worst and it affected me so much psychologically and emotionally.  I printed flyers and Neva and I went to our neighbors and passed them out.  Neva insisted on being with me and I thought it was good to allow her to process this experience.  I posted one at the food store, on CraigsList, and Facebook.  At the time, posting on Craigslist didn't strike me as a site people would go to to find pets but I was desperate.  I also called the Humane Society in Racine and left messages there about Roscoe in case as well as filing a missing cat online. 

We were supposed to visit other family members that week but I canceled because I was so stricken with grief and could not pull myself together.  Instead, I stayed at my parents' house hoping that Roscoe would show up but he did not.  We put out canned food but it froze so that was fruitless.  I put out his crate and scratching pad hoping he would catch the scent.  But considering how cold it was, I felt defeated.  Not only that but when we were waiting and hoping for Roscoe's return, Aslan came out looking for him every night which broke my heart.  Roscoe was like a brother to him. 

We had to return back to Maryland for work and school so we left with two crates and one was empty.  It was a very painful ride home.  Back home, Aslan constantly was looking for Roscoe and I felt so bad for him so I decided that perhaps I would adopt or foster a cat that would help with the loss.  It was like a quick band-aid fix and bad decision-making on my part.  I came across a cat in Annapolis that looked a bit like Roscoe but it was a female cat with long hair.   We took a chance and went over and thought she was cool. We named her Moxie and she was abandoned in a basement after the renter moved out.    We took her home but quickly realized that she had territorial issues.  She had no claws but she would hiss so bad that would spook Aslan to his dark corner for days.  I did not find that acceptable.  It was Aslan's home first so I would expect that Aslan continue to come out at nights but he stopped coming out.  I was worried about his well-being and began to urinate outside of the litter which never was a problem before.   Although Moxie was cute and affectionate, she was not healthy for Alsan.  However, a friend of mine and her boyfriend came out for a visit, it appeared that Moxie and the boyfriend hit it off and agreed that he would take Moxie, it worked out well! 

After Moxie left, Aslan began to show his true self and became a bit braver.  He would come out and sleep with me which he never did before.  Aslan appeared to be more visual around us and I really appreciated that.   We had the opportunity to connect with each other during those times.



Aslan began sleeping with me.

Ever since we left Wisconsin, I have received a couple of phone calls and emails about sightings and it was never Roscoe.  Every time I heard their messages, my heart lept but was disappointed when I learned it was not him.  I updated Roscoe's picture on Craigslist about two or three weeks ago as my hope of finding him did not stop yet I was less hopeful than I was before.  My mom mentioned to me one night over VP that someone had called her and saw Roscoe on 17th street in Racine and I cried.  I asked her to not tell me anything until Roscoe was actually found.  This all was too painful. 



Picture of Roscoe sent to me from the shelter.

Then last week Tuesday morning, like most mornings, I checked my phone for messages and I got one from Humane Society - a woman named Star who was apparently someone that works at the Racine Humane (Societyhttp://www.wihumane.org/racine.aspx) that also had previously alerted me about finding cats, emailed me a picture of Roscoe.  I lept out of bed ever so quickly and screamed!  ROSCOE!!!  This began the journey of joy, heartache, and slow recovery for everyone involved.

A picture of Roscoe...people asked me how I knew it was him and I told them that I just knew.  It was him!  The process of getting him released from the shelter was complicated as they required owners to pick their pets up them but I was in Maryland so they took the time and decided to allow my mom to take Roscoe with my paying over the phone for the costs incurred while Roscoe was there which was fine.  Mom said Roscoe was scared and all - and when we were on Facetime, I called out to him and he responded.

The plan was to meet my parents in Toledo, OH. and stay overnight and retrieve Roscoe did not happen as my father fell ill and eventually went to the hospital.  So Neva and I left Frederick Friday night at 5pm and stopped in Toledo, OH at around midnight.  Then the next morning, we left at around 6am to head to Wisconsin.  As we approached closer to home, I had butterflies in my stomach and remembered all the things about Roscoe that I loved so much.  We arrived at the house, I quickly went inside and went directly to the room where Roscoe was.  However, when I got there, he wasn't anywhere to be seen.  My vision of how our reunion would happen did not happen.  Not even close. 

Roscoe hid in the closet which was out of character for him to do but when my mom got him out, he was so scared that I had to let him go.  He ran under the bed and I was just shocked.  I knew he would be different but not that different in behavior and looks.   We managed to get him on the bed and I was starting to feel unsure if it was actually Roscoe.  He looked so much bigger, the color of his fur was so much lighter and the feel was thick and rough.  Roscoe's fur was usually dark grey and had a velvet feel to it.  He was covered in dandruff and his face was just bigger.  It was true that he was outside for some time so he had weathered the cold and that would explain his thicker fur.  I asked for some time alone with him and I checked his nose for a scar and it was slightly visible.  I then checked his paws and my world crashed right there.  No claws?!  This wasn't Roscoe!  I got up from the bed and went to my parents and said, "This is not Roscoe! Roscoe has claws and this cat doesn't."  My parents looked shocked, poor them!  I had to sit down because I was so excited about having Roscoe back and made a really long trip to get him back - all for nothing?!  I felt so light-headed and my stomach became really upset.  After some discussion, I decided to take this cat with us to Maryland.  I was truly upset and heartbroken because I didn't think that anyone would bother to declaw Roscoe - for what reason if it was truly Roscoe.  The only link I had to him was his scar on the nose so I was somewhat convinced that it may have been Roscoe. 



Can you see the spot?

Roscoe was not vocal when he was in the car driving back like he was when we came to Wisconsin.  I feared that this confirmed it was not Roscoe.  After some time traveling back to Toledo, OH., Neva wanted to take Roscoe out of the crate.  When she did pull him out and was positioning him on her lap, I suddenly noticed a spot on his back that finally confirmed it was indeed ROSCOE!  Last year in Delaware, Neva had a moment with my scissor and cut Roscoe's whiskers and some fur on his back.  Yes, I scolded her for what she did but now, I'm thankful she did just that!

Sleeping with Neva at the hotel.

We arrived at the hotel in Toledo and Roscoe was doing ok considering but I worried about the noises in the hotel. We left the room to go swimming and returned back to the room. Roscoe hid under the bed which I wished he hadn't because he never had to do to that before. However, as the night went, Roscoe was slowly warming up and he was able to fall asleep with us. 

First picture together after being reunited

Upon our arrival back to Maryland and to our apartment, I was nervous yet excited to have him back home.  However, to our surprise, Roscoe and Aslan immediately sat together in the corner and spent some time together quietly.  This was their first picture after being reunited after a month.   This also was a confirmation that Roscoe is the Roscoe that we loved and still love so much! 








The road to recovery will be a long one for Roscoe as well as for us.  He is not as his old spunky self who was mischief by nature.  Roscoe never attempted to sneak out to the balcony again and is afraid when he is outside.  He stopped climbing up on counters, to the top of the refrigerator or on top of the cabinets.  Roscoe stopped playing as he loved to play catch. Roscoe hides behind the couch, under the bed, or inside the cabinet and this time, Aslan has a company.  This is heartbreaking for me because Roscoe was unique in his own right, strutting his stuff around the home and that was what linked me to him.  However, he feels so vulnerable right now without his claws and that is really painful to see.  Roscoe is slowly coming out now and is more comfortable sleeping out in the open on my bed.  He sometimes goes under the blanket and I suppose this is his way of feeling secure.  He is comfortable with sleeping with me and today, he was able to lay down with Neva which is great to see!

Roscoe's physique right now is returning back to normal.  His fur had turned dark again and the feel of his fur is velvet rather than rough.  He had shrunk, not as buff as we first saw him again.  Roscoe had so much stress knots in his neck and back.  I gave him massages and this picture was taken after one of his massages.  He is looking a lot more like the Roscoe we know. 

Aslan and Roscoe sleeping on Neva.

The story behind why and how Roscoe came back to us declawed will always be a mystery.  When I got Roscoe from a family two years ago, they made me promise to never declaw him. I assured the family that I was against the declawing of pets and will never do that to Roscoe. I had a hypothesis about what happened and it is possible that someone had found Roscoe little after he left us and attempted to keep him.  Roscoe is very strong and he used his claws well.  That person may have taken him to the vet and declawed him in hope to keep him.  However, Roscoe was never theirs to keep.  Either Roscoe's became isolated that the person didn't want him anymore and sent him to the shelter OR Roscoe ran off again and someone else found him and brought him to the shelter.  This is the only reasonable explanation I  have.  Declawing any pet is never right and it will always be because it is a benefit to the human, not to the animal.  Roscoe can now never defend himself and to me, that is the cruelest thing to do to him. 

It is amazing to see that Roscoe is back in our lives after a bit more than a month.  It is just meant for all of us to be together and I am so happy that people out there care about each other.  I am thankful to Star, whom I have never met for checking CraigsList and not being hesitant in contacting me.  I am so grateful to the time, energy and love spent with animals at the Racine Humane Society.    So if you lose your furry ones, please don't give up.  Use the internet - you'll be amazed at how helpful it is!  Roscoe is back with us to his rightful family and our hearts are filled with love and blessings. 

UPDATES as of 2/25/13

Neva took this photo of us this morning - I was surprised!

Roscoe's ears had been bothering him since we brought him back home so I took him to the vet.  I thought it may have been some mites but it turned out he had an infection in both ears so he is being treated right now.  Roscoe is slowly but surely returning back to himself.  He is still not as curious as he was before and definitely is avoiding doors leading him outside.  It is strange but he is much more affectionate now than he was and he accepts scratches and rubs on the tummy which he did not like before.  Roscoe's definitely a changed cat but not necessarily for the worse although I wish he would continue to be his curious self and be with me all the time.   Perhaps someday he will be!  He is back to his play-self with Aslan and they play all night long and by the time I wake up, he's ready to sleep.  Here are some pictures that were taken yesterday and today!

Sleeping peacefully with his rightful owner...

Catching a cat-nap on my legs..

On Moving and Maryland School for the Deaf

Moving is a life-changing experience and it is much more complex for Neva than it was two years ago when we embarked to Delaware from Washington, DC.  She was 5 years old at the time and I'm glad she remembered the move but of course vaguely.  Transition is crucial to all children and their involvement in the process is extremely important. 

Moving to Frederick, Maryland had been quite an experience not only for Neva but for myself as well.  Delaware treated us very well and I truly miss living there and the students and staff  I worked with were so amazing, warm, and loving.  Neva missed DSD because it was the place she was familiar with along with the people at the school.  However, at the same time, we are liking what we are seeing here in Frederick.  I am seeing that things are happening for Neva.  At the same time, we are overwhelmed with how stimulating and welcoming the community has been.  I am grateful and thankful that we have come to the right place.  It is a transition that involves different feelings, experiences, and perceptions within myself as well as for Neva and others.

When we came for a visit back in the spring, we had a forum for potential MSD parents to come and talk with current students' parents, administrators and such to discuss options.  Jennifer Yost-Oritz, our principal at Columbia campus presented an experience of her own that was really reviving about the community support in Frederick.  I was holding back tears when she told the story because, at that time, I was so much looking for community support and helping hands. I didn't have family living nearby and Delaware community was so small that help isn't always available.   I was going back and forth about staying in Delaware or making a change and she helped me make that decision easy.   She convinced me that, YES, the move was necessary.

I am a full time working single mother that is working to make ends meet and the support from the community is a luxury to me.  Although I have not yet befriended a lot of people in town or in the community whoever I met already are just fabulous.  Neva was on the flag football team and the staff there were very engaged and helpful - totally amazing and exactly what I am looking for!  MSD gave me a whiff of some memories and felt old sentiments I had while growing up.  Ever since I was 7 years old just the same age as Neva, I was enrolled at the Wisconsin School for the Deaf and on the first Sunday of every school year, we were ushered into the gymnasium to complete the registration process and all that.  That first Sunday, I was nostalgic because of the experience that I had growing for 10 was happening again for Neva and myself.  To be honest, that day was one of my favorite days of the year!  The point is that the experience was just familiar to me and I never had that before with Neva.  It felt so grand even to the point of my saying it was like a "homecoming".   

Neva met with several other children throughout the week with her sitter, who by the way is awesome.  It was strange for me that Neva was meeting kids and parents and I was not there to do "meet and greet" thing :).  However, we came to MSD that Sunday for our family orientation and Neva exclaimed she knew this student and that student and it was awkward because I wasn't there for those meet and greet times because I was at work:)  It was the first year MSD have done orientation and I think it was a wonderful thing to do!  Once she told me their names, Neva became shy and nervous, she couldn't smile, aww!  She was definitely out of her comfort zone.  It was painful to see yet I know next year will be different.  She met with a couple of other girls in her class and one was new.  Neva commented on how many more girls are in her class than ever and yes, her observation was just keen. Peer-wise and academically-wise, there are a lot of girls here and this was what I was looking for.  I have no idea how the dynamics of that group are becoming but I am on board!

Emotionally, the move was much more of a challenge than it was with the move to Delaware when Neva was 5 years old.  I suspect it is because of the age thing and the relationships she developed with teachers, staff, and peers in Delaware had much more depth.  She especially missed her friends there but I'm grateful she was good at coping and making friends at MSD.  My heart breaks from time to time to see her experience new things but yes, it is a good thing.  It only means she is learning and growing to be a girl she is meant to be.

One night, I took her to go to watch varsity volleyball game and she was awestruck and commented on the fact (quite an observant gal, by the way) that the players were like the Olympics players we watched on TV last summer.  She was right because of the speed, power, and movement of the games were similar in the eyes of 7 years old.  MSD is well known for the excellent athletic program and the team definitely represented.   Although they lost, it was one of the best games I have ever seen to date in a deaf residential school setting.  So in the eyes of a mother of a daughter whose future is hopeful and bright, MSD has provided us the place to remember why we are here and the choices that we have made to bring us here to ensure our child's success in the future.  Like any parent, we should always be supportive and encouraging of our children including others to be as successful.  That is what a positive community is all about and I am sensing that among Neva's friends' parents - so thrilled to be part of that experience!