Ten years, Shell...
Hard to believe I made it this far. Hard to believe that it has been 10 years since I last saw you, Shell. Hard to believe that it feels like yesterday I uttered good night to you not knowing I never would see you again. Hard to believe our baby girl, Neva Shell, is 9 and going on strong. Hard to believe I survived all those years holding on to what saved me - love, hope, and faith that life gets better. And it has and will continue to.
What is not hard to believe is the outpouring love and support from family and friends that kept me afloat. I have experienced a great loss and suffering and those that have been with me from the start of that life-long journey hopefully know how grateful I am and I know Shell is grateful too.
I know Shell is still with us in spirit and he is with his family as well. 10 years seems like a long time but the pain does not keep time. As the time nears on October 13th, it feels automatic that my eyes are already filled with tears and my heart is full of pain again. I don't know why but our 10th year is more painful and poignant. It is symbolic of time itself and the moments I have endured since the passing to now have been quite a journey. I feel that huge lump in my throat and heavy tugging in my heart now - all so familiar to me, especially on this anniversary.
I always miss you, Shell but it is the time of the year that I miss you the most. I wish you were here to share life's joy and pain of raising our beautiful girl, Neva Shell together. All those milestones that I was forced to celebrate by myself - I know you were there and continue to be with Neva by her side. It is just not in the flesh that hurts the most. Your intelligence, out of the world sense of humor, love of people, music, sports, life, and trivia games - I miss wholeheartedly.
I am not perfect and I am sure that you have watched over me and cringed at some stupid things I have done or made decisions that you would not have done so but I have done it with love. I know you know that. I have moved on but you will always remain etched in my heart, Shell.
Every time I see a cardinal bird fly by, I know you are flying by saying "hello, I'm still here!"
You were one of a kind.
