I recently had some unpleasant conversations with some people that sparked my motivation to write this blog about whether spanking is right or wrong. In a recent vlog, someone talked about how it is considered domestic violence to spank children and those parents who spank children are considered unfit parents.
First of all, I do not promote violence and I think there are better ways to discipline our children than using corporal punishment such as spanking to teach children to display behaviors that we want to see. I have a strong and heavy background in social work as both of my bachelor's and masters are in social work. However, my master's specialized in school social work. My training has heavily allowed me to develop relationships with children, parents, teachers, administrators and other personnel involved to provide services to children and their families. When I was in graduate school, I learned a very important responsibility I have as a social worker and that is to always remember there are two sides to everything. Do not ever pass judgment or make assumptions without looking at all sides and when determined that families need help, we provide help period. No judgments or biases REGARDLESS of what researches have shown. We have the knowledge, education, and training to model appropriate behaviors. We do not need to tell parents they are unfit based on current researches. That information is unproductive to average parents. We need to SHOW them alternative ways.
When I responded to this person's vlog politely suggesting that we refrain from passing judgment toward parents who spank their children, I was told that my education was outdated and that I needed more training - something called Parent Plus from a person that does not have a degree in this area of expertise. That really scares me. Judgment and bias against people and families you do not know and understand is a dangerous path that will lead people and families to not adapt and learn about what methods of discipline are appropriate. People in this field will have to have an open mind, no matter how complicated, painful and even wrong some situations are but the ultimate goal is to help cultivate families to be emotionally, mentally and physically healthy.
When parents spank their children, we have to keep in mind that the spanking culture is derived from our own experiences. What was considered acceptable 30 years ago may not be acceptable today and my parents still think spanking is okay. Does this mean I should judge my parents' philosophy on discipline? No because this was what they learned from their parents. Does this mean I was abused when I was growing up? Definitely not! This is a very deep-seated issue within our culture and it is always best to look at the sides and reasons behind their choice of discipline rather than judging and claiming parents to be unfit. Educate and model.
This was a very hot topic in one of my graduate classes and nothing was pretty much resolved by the end of that class. This situation is very sensitive and similar to topics such as abortion and cochlear implants. However, there is a clear line between when spanking becomes abuse and when it is not. It does not matter if I agree or support the method but it was discussed in class and the professor was the one who offered those insights. If a person spanks a child with the intent to harm, to express anger or relief or use objects, that is abuse. If a person spanks a child with the purpose to correct his behavior without wanting to injure or to express anger/relief, then it is not abuse. The law says that the parent cannot hit a child with a closed fist or with objects in some states and that makes total sense.
As a parent, if someone told me she or he wanted to spank their children but chose not to do so, I would have completely understood. Being a parent is very hard work and having no patience on some days that are just seemingly unbearable, a quick fix like spanking sounds like a good idea. But it is not. Spanking is not the answer and is not a tool to teach our children appropriate behavior. This will only teach them that it is acceptable to hit. If mommy does it, then why can't I?
Before we pass judgment about parents and their parenting skills, find out as much as we can about families' background and their life experiences before doing so. We will be doing them a lot of favor. :)
