On Death and Dying...

Children can sometimes spark discussions that will ultimately change one's life and the way one sees the world.  Neva and I had that moment this evening and after this evening, Neva now knows something she had never known before.  Death and dying - no one wants to talk or think about it but it is with us every day and every minute of our lives.  Some are afraid, some do not understand, and some just welcome it.  It depends on how you want your life to be shaped by death and dying.  It is definitely going to be a difficult blog to write tonight but I feel not enough of us to take the time to think of how the loss of a parent makes a big impact on a child's life like it had Neva's.                                              

Losing Neva's father, Shell was the most traumatic experience for Shell's family and me but for Neva, it's a loss she feels that we all will never understand.  We certainly can imagine and try to picture this type "loss" but we will never 100% understand.  This pains me because there is no other way to ease this loss or to fill the void.  Money or people cannot replace Shell's place in her life.   For the past six months or so, Neva began sleeping with 8x10 picture of her father, Shell, like the one posted above (blown up of Shell's face only) and sometimes she would bring the picture around with her in the house or put it up beside her while playing with her dolls and she sometimes include him.  When upset with me and my decisions, Neva sometimes would cry and tell me she misses her dad and that she wishes he was here.  This was a tough pill to swallow, by the way.  Last week, she wanted to bring the photo to school and show others of who her dad was.  Last weekend visiting friends in Washington, DC, she saw a good friend of mine and shyly said he looked like her dad.  As a mom, it pains me to see moments of sadness in her eyes and more often now than ever, she asks me about Shell and generally about whom he was.  Usually, having conversations about him leaves me feeling complicated.  No parent wants to see the pain in their child's eyes.

Neva always had known her dad has passed on and she understands how he did.  However, understanding that people she is with now will also pass as well as herself was something she learned this evening.  The conversation began at our dining table over dinner and when Neva discovered strands of white hair on me, I explained to her that I am getting old.  Her eyes became bewildered and she said, "No, you are not!  I don't want you to die".  I took her comment wholeheartedly knowing this is a tough subject for her.  I explained that everyone is dying and that part of growing up is getting older.  She pondered at the idea for a moment then her eyes flew up and said, "NO! I don't want Roscoe to die.  I don't want grandpa and grandma to die.  I nodded my head and said I feel exactly the same.  "What if Roscoe dies and I have no more cat or grandpa and grandma again" and my heart cringed.  How do I sit there without having my tears well up and my heart yanked out?  I began explaining about the cycle of life and so on forth and the whole time I explained, Neva looked on so intensely and absorbing all she could. In general, she attaches herself with people she feels connected with without realizing that she may sometimes be overbearing.  Neva loves being around people and the void in her, I understand why she is the way she is considering she has no siblings at home to reverberate her love and passion for life.  No one can understand this child more than I can because I have tasted death and loss firsthand and am the closest to her that understands that I cannot 100% understand the loss she carries with her.  That sweet child of mine, the pain she has to endure, breaks me in millions of pieces for I am the one who needs to hold those pieces together for her.  When talking about that, it definitely takes another blog to talk about the life of a single full-time working mother. 

With that being said, my daddy is in the hospital with the diagnosis of Congestive Heart Failure and he has been in the hospital since last Friday.  They want to keep him for a couple of more days to ensure that he is well enough to go home.  However, the problem with my dad, we are in some ways alike, especially in the health department.  One sure thing that we are alike is the tendency to postpone to see a physician when we sense something's a- foul.  The picture here is a picture of my dad standing in the front holding my hand and behind us are my aunt, Lisa, my sisters (blondes), Tamara and Tracy.  Behind the kids are my grandpa (dad's dad) and step-grandma, Betty.  It is hard to say in the picture of where the snapshot took place but it was one of my favorites because it captured grandpa in the background as well as dad holding my hand. 

 When I saw this picture, the river of tears flew out for many reasons including the fact that Neva does not have this kind of experience like I did kill me.  It is how it goes with me though.   However, since that daddy's in the hospital, he had a video phone attached to his room and called last night.  I did not tell Neva that her grandfather was in the hospital for a couple of reasons but last night left me with no choice.  As we got on, Neva's curiosity was tapped into and asked why he was in the hospital.  It did not help the fact that he was having heart trouble but we reassured her that grandpa was ok and was getting out soon.  So tonight's conversation was because of last night and tonight and my heart is definitely heavy. 

Shell's parents are the strongest people I know and even with health issues they have faced lately, I have tried avoiding discussing health issues with Neva because she is hyper-sensitive toward that subject. She is absolutely kept up to date with her families and all the good news they bear though.  We look forward to our summer plans with everyone and definitely will keep you all posted!  

Kudos to my dearest daughter, Neva Shell...